THANK YOU

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

READ MORE

People need to read more.. Ok .. I need to read more .. I completely believe that if you read well .. then you can faff your way through any situation .. .. you can never feel bored .. you can never feel left out...

but most importantly... you're perceived as intelligent.... I feel left out so bloody often because i didn't read enough ... And the feeling just gets so depressing because people are discussing articles, books, magazines, stories that you didn't bother to glance at.. Right now there's this 'intelligent' conversation about kids and how their breeding and their ... oh some other smart words are being used .. are turning them into brats.. Off course 'statistics' and 'quotes' from books of all kinds are being thrown in .. so poor me .. feeling left out and ignored...
So now .. its a resolution.. READ... READ... AND READ MORE ...

NATION BUILDING????

Since im inspired.. here goes.. a few stray thoughts (( in between the stupid work I'm doing in office)).
Last week, a school in the neighbourhood invited me as a guest (( I'm still reeling under that shock)). The reason was the students wanted to interact with a journalist and understand what it takes to be one ... hahahahaha. They asked me to come over and there i was .. with 3 years experience in my kitty most of which i spent hating it, and a brand name attached as experience ( a silly tabloid and a poorly rated news channel) i had to share my gyaan.

Oh the questions the kids asked .. So cute, naive, gullible and innocent.. and Intelligent too... They held journalism and journalists in such high esteem. Sample this question i was asked. Do you agree Journalists play a key role in nation building??? It made me wanna cringe. Such a noble thought. What do you tell a 14 year old. What do you tell them to convince them that yes journalism is related to nation buildng (( even though i have a hard time convincing myself)). Then came the other questions. IF you're stuck in waist deep water how will you still report? If your family or your life is in danger what will you do. Will it be work first and family later or vice versa. What is the most difficult part of reportng in a riot situation.

Nice questions from the 13-14 year olds. So most of the time i was on stage i was thinking ..ok .. how do i tell them nice things about journalism. How do i hide the cynicism i feel. How do i make it relevant for them. One and a half hour i spoke to them. Fighting my own demons while painting a beautiful picture for them. I bet Journalism and Journalists had notched a few places higher after my talk ... I'm proud of me..

BACK

Everytime i read other blogs I get inspired to come back to this space and show off my writing skills too( and ya maybe pen a few thoughts). But that inspiration is so short lived. I mean look at the last time i came here. More than 2 months ago. Oh i have a new home now... quite nice actually... and a new job too.. So life has kinda turned out good for me ...

Home Hunt and Job Hunt

Its quite a feeling to be hunting for homes and jobs simultaneously. Just 15 days left before I'm homeless and 30 days left before I'm jobless. so its a mad race to meet the deadlines. Home hunting is an experience everybody should go through. Its amazing how people try to peddle off copper in the name of gold. Tiny pigeon holes are being marketed as palatial mansions. And the owners demand rent as if they are doing you a favour by letting you stay there.

It really makes me wonder how the hell do people survive and live in Mumbai. its impossible (almost) to find a decent apartment for a decent price. No wonder slums seem to be growing everywhere. where the hell will the working class live if not in the slums. A cabbie once told me how 6 of them all cab drivers lived in less than 100 sq feet in a slum where they paid 500 rupees a month. No bathroom or toilet just a roof that could collapse if another Alistar Pareira struck it. He told me he could afford to pay 1000 bucks and share a small aprtment with 3 people but nowhere in this city could he find someone who would rent a tiny apartment to cab drivers. Where else could he have ended up.
I feel the same. SOme of them dont want catholic girls, some of them dont want non vegetarians living in their sacred homes. Many of them sell you a shit hole...
I dont have too many demands. No marble flooring, No french windows, no furniture. I could manage without them. . But even getting a roof seems like a mirage.

I've seen almost 15 houses till date. The journey it seems like its just begun...

And ya I've not even started the job hunt...... I will need therapy soon ( or maybe a long vacation.. away from this city)

Goodbye 'Sir'

I didn’t know him too well. Would just bump into him everyday I visited the head office. And as his junior I called him 'sir' or added a 'ji' after his name. I didn’t even have his number on my phone.
Sir passed away yesterday. He had a heart attack.

I realised I would miss seeing him around. With his trademark bag.

So to save myself from feeling bad i tried to recollect something about him, a small memory that i could associate with him. And I didn’t have to try too hard. Like a flash the incident played before my eyes.

It happened a month ago. We were sitting in a corporators office chasing the same story. Like a sly fox I waited till ‘Sir’ left the room. Then he left but he came back into the room with a close friend and told me ' you should contest the upcoming committee elections for the presidents post'. I was bewildered. I was so much junior than him, a complete novice who obviously was still finding her feet. And why did he want me to stand. I rubbished his request and laughed it off. Told him quite bluntly to ask someone else. A few days later he asked me again.

While I openly denied his request, he indirectly changed quite a bit in me. I was going through a distressful time (actually still am) and I would wake up feeling stupid, terrible and unworthy of my job. So when 'Sir' proposed my name for the elections, I was quite grateful. After all why would a man of his stature want a minnow like me to hold that post? It boosted my confidence no end and I began looking at myself a little more positively. His plain request helped me to like myself a little more. After all if he thought I was good enough, many others may have had the same feeling. Seems narcissist but I needed that feeling.

Today in wish I could have said thank you to ‘sir’ for instilling that little confidence in me. I didn’t. I don’t know why.
So when I sat recollecting about the incident I wish I had told him …
Thank you Sir.

My roommate told me another thing. He was the person who had helped her shoot my birthday video at the headquarters. He waited with her so that the high command would meet her and went around asking other colleagues to wish me. But when requested to star in it, he sweetly refused.
Thank you again ‘Sir’

I Hate Me

I wake up feeling sad and morose and negative every morning. Every single day I wake up feeling like that. Did every writer/journalist/actor feel like I did. While my friends think it’s a phase that everyone goes through I have my doubts. Could the ‘phase’ last this long. Why was I feeling incompetent and useless all the time. I want to give up my job. I want to try something new AGAIN. I want to wake up happy and smiling. Then why don’t I do it? Its because I’m afraid. I’m afraid because im beginning to realise I’m not cut out to do the job I’m doing. I’m afraid of people getting to know about the same. I made one career mistake, I couldn’t be making another one so soon. What will everyone say? What will everyone think of me?

I LOVE HATE Mail

A Hate Mail I got .... It made me happy .. atleast some one was reacting to what i was writing ...
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Do you know what you are writing, I think you should spend more time in reading about what's happening in world rather than sticking to this topic. I know you hate Shiv Sena because Shiv Sena is for Hindus and we don't tolerate indecency and moreover we want our children to learn and respect our rich culture, rather than imitating or learning some thing not nice.


I like reporters writing articles like "self improvement, learn good things from other" which can benefit young generation, not damn writing about
"Valentine day" which will not give anything.

I have been to Mumbai just three months ago, I was sick and tired watching boring programs in TV and reading boring articles in paper written by people like you, who seldom read "BBCNews/CNN/FoxNew" or watch foreign programs. Other than "Naach ganna" , "Nautanki" and showing boy's wearing girly clothes nothing new I saw on TV. What can the masses learn or read when they have great reporter like you.

Don't criticise Shiv Sena, because people like you should sit down in front of mirror and ask some questions "am I a good reporter, how can I attract more readers, what can I give to readers others than wasting their time by writing crap".

Thank GOD you are in Mumbai, I can assure you that you will never dare to write if you were in "Saudi or in some muslim" country.

Not impressed with your writing at all.

?????

So what feeling is worse? Being the wrong doer or being a victim of someone else's wrong doing. As usual still searching for the right answer.

So much has changed......well not really

Cannot believe how so much has changed since i last wrote on my blog. A nasty accident just a couple of hours later turned my life topsy turvy. Luckilly i dont remember anything and thankfully I'm intact ( well almost intact). But yes life changed. Too much pain, too much love and attention. Too much time, too little to do... I guess I had the best of both worlds.

And now its been a month since I'm back at work. Same old grind, same old routine. Wake up grumbling i have no story. Scan the other papers hoping there's a small line hidden in the pages that i can weave into a tale. And the rigmarole continues through the day. Meet councillors, administration, friends, colleagues and rush back to office to file somthing that hopefully sees the light of the next day. Rush back home only to start fretting over the next days story.. Whoever said life had changed. Nahhhhhhh